I was abused as a child and I feel so dirty, but I need to get this off my chest. Spicy
I’m an 18-year-old female, and I’ve been carrying a lot of guilt, shame, and disgust about my past. I really need to vent because I feel so dirty, and I don't know how to cope.
When I was around 5 or 6 years old, I used to see my parents having intimacy late at night. They thought I was asleep, but I was awake. It made me curious as a kid. Later on, when we would visit my grandma’s house in the province, I would end up playing inappropriate, adult-like "games" with my cousins who were close to my age. Looking back, we were just kids and didn't truly understand what we were doing.
Eventually, my parents had to leave me at my grandma's house permanently so they could work in Manila. I grew up there. During that time, an older cousin (about 6 to 8 years older than me) started touching me and doing things to me late at night while I was supposedly sleeping. I never reported him. I was scared, but at the same time, a part of me felt confused because my body reacted to it, which makes me feel incredibly guilty now. Around that same time, an uncle (who is also my godfather) started touching me too, and he would give me money afterward.
All of this has left me feeling so disgusted with myself.
Growing up, I developed a compulsive habit of doing things to myself, and even now at 18, I have a very high drive. I constantly regret everything that happened when I was a kid. It makes me feel ruined and dirty.
I just want to know if anyone else has gone through this. How do I stop blaming myself for what happened when I was just a child?
When I was around 5 or 6 years old, I used to see my parents having intimacy late at night. They thought I was asleep, but I was awake. It made me curious as a kid. Later on, when we would visit my grandma’s house in the province, I would end up playing inappropriate, adult-like "games" with my cousins who were close to my age. Looking back, we were just kids and didn't truly understand what we were doing.
Eventually, my parents had to leave me at my grandma's house permanently so they could work in Manila. I grew up there. During that time, an older cousin (about 6 to 8 years older than me) started touching me and doing things to me late at night while I was supposedly sleeping. I never reported him. I was scared, but at the same time, a part of me felt confused because my body reacted to it, which makes me feel incredibly guilty now. Around that same time, an uncle (who is also my godfather) started touching me too, and he would give me money afterward.
All of this has left me feeling so disgusted with myself.
Growing up, I developed a compulsive habit of doing things to myself, and even now at 18, I have a very high drive. I constantly regret everything that happened when I was a kid. It makes me feel ruined and dirty.
I just want to know if anyone else has gone through this. How do I stop blaming myself for what happened when I was just a child?